The Newlywed Trap: Habits Young Couples Should Stop Right Now

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The honeymoon phase isn’t eternal, and many newlyweds are surprised by how quickly it passes. What began with butterflies and abundant affection can devolve into frustration and resentment. The problem is that most newlyweds fall into predictable patterns in the first years of marriage.

If you’ve just tied the knot and don’t watch out for certain habits, you may end up creating holes in your relationship that take years to repair. Thankfully, these are just habits; not character issues. It’s possible to change them if you can identify them early.

Using Criticism as a Primary Communication Tool

Criticism as the primary way of expressing frustration is definitely a no-no. Instead of saying “I feel neglected if we don’t spend quality time together,” many newlyweds tend to say “You never make time for us”. This is a shift from expressing your own needs to blaming the other person’s character or actions, which is obviously very hurtful.

This is a common issue for young couples because they have not learned to cope with feelings of vulnerability just yet. Blame puts distance between you and your partner, but it often feels like you’re trying to solve problems. It gives a false sense of control, which destroys your relationship.

Couples therapy may help here because a professional can catch you right when you start to drift into critical talk and guide you to communicate in a more open way about what you really mean. Many couples who work with a therapist specializing in attachment-oriented approaches manage to learn how to share their fears without launching preemptive strikes.

Letting Minor Disagreements Turn Into Major Conflicts

Another mistake newlyweds make is about turning all their arguments into life-and-death matters. During the initial stages of being in a relationship, you lack the cognitive framework required to distinguish between minor issues and compatibility problems.

It’s essential to identify the conflict and the emotional charge around it. Before you even react to what your partner did, you want to take a moment and ask yourself, “Is it really about what they did, or am I feeling disconnected in a broader sense?”

It’s also essential to have a rule around time. It means you should not have major conversations when tired, hungry, or emotionally charged, as that’s when your amygdala, or “threat center” in your brain, is much more reactive, making conflict resolution much more complicated.

Forgetting to Invest in Connection Outside the Relationship

Another issue that can destroy marriages is drifting away from your own identity and friendships outside of your relationship. Newlyweds are obsessed with each other, and this is only natural, but some young couples carry this too far by canceling plans with friends, giving up their own interests, and becoming emotionally tied to their spouse’s interests and schedules.

This habit has a biological reality to it. For instance, new love activates the same parts of your brain as cocaine, and all you can think about is the person that you love. However, that’s a biochemical high, and when that wears off, the couple that has isolated itself from the rest of the world finds that they have nothing to talk about or do together anymore.

You’re no longer two people who have interesting things to share, but two individuals trying to maintain a household. The solution is quite simple but ongoing. It involves maintaining your friendships, immersing yourself in your own interests, and nurturing your own emotional life.

Endnote

Being newlyweds is the right time to develop habits that can either strengthen or sabotage your relationship. In fact, the habits you develop at the start of your relationship become the standard you use to handle communications, conflict, and connection in the long-run.